I’ve been doing some thinking, which usually gets me in lots of trouble, but none the less hasn’t stopped me yet. I was asked an interesting question, the other day, which has made me pause and think.
I want to start out by saying my children are no angels, and by no means perfect. And if anybody knows this to be true, it is me, their mother. I have seen them at their best and I have seen them at their worst. I will be the first to defend them and the first to put the smack down if they deserve it. With that being said I will continue my story.
I was visiting at my sister’s house, and she had a friend visiting too. After spending some time around my children and I she stopped me and said, “I want to ask you a question. Your girls are all so well behaved, how do you do it? Are you strict with them or do you beat them?” First of all, I had to make sure we were talking about the same kids. ;) When I recovered from the shock of her question I stopped for a moment, for one, I take the beating part very seriously. My father was pretty heavy handed, and that is something I never want my kids to experience. Strict though, I guess you could say that, but it’s not like I make them raise their hands at supper table to talk. However, next time the noise level at the kitchen table gets out of hand, that’s not a bad idea.
I was flattered that she thought my kids were well behaved. I see the worst, and they often “save” all the naughty up for me. I wouldn’t have it any other way, I am their mother and there isn’t anything they could do that would make me love them any less, but because I love them it’s also my job to teach them.
After she asked me what I did to make my kids behave so well I started thinking about it. I never really had given it much thought before. I looked to my closest friends, who all have children who are close to the same age as mine, and I never thought our parenting styles were that different. They have well behaved, respectful children, so I thought my parenting style was something that most people do. What I’m learning is… maybe not.
I know I wrote a blog post called Big Expectations. I still hold true to that, if you expect a lot from your kids, you will get a lot in return. Another important rule I have is consequences. EVERYTHING you do in life has some sort of consequences. My writing of this post might ruffles some feathers and the consequences might be I have some negative feedback to deal with. It all depends on what you do, whether the consequences are good or bad. You never outgrow consequences. When you are two, your consequences may be time out, and when you’re 22, depending on your crime, your consequence may be jail.
I took a parenting class several years back, the program was developed by a couple of yuppie dads. I’m sure they had never raised their voice at their kids or ever lost it and went all “psycho mom” on their kids. These guys probably live in Colorado now that it is legal to smoke a joint there, because that’s the only way one could be that calm ALL of the time. I mean if we are really going to be honest who hasn’t lost it a time or two, and if somebody says they haven’t, they’re a liar.
Back to the parenting class, I took one rule away from it, but put my own “Real Mom” twist on it. I will share it with you; this rule applies to almost any situation and any age. We call it at our house, “You have two choices…”
I’ll give you an example. The four year old is expressing their independence and has decided that no matter what you say plead or beg they are not putting clothes on to go to school today. That’s fine. Very CALMLY, (because at this point he/she has done this every morning for the last week) explain to them in 15 minutes you are leaving this house, and he/she has two choices. 1. Get dressed and be ready to leave like the rest of the family. 2. Go naked or in pajamas, you don’t care. And YOU DON’T CARE!! Really you can’t care. When the 15 minutes are up, you go! No arguing, no talking, and absolutely no bargaining or begging. If they aren’t dressed you pick them up and take them just like they are. They will realize you are serious, and next time they will be dressed. If not oh well! They just get to go in pajamas again.
They are free to make their choice, but also have to pay the consequence that is attached to that choice. The key to making it work is making the consequence for not following the rules so bad that the choice to follow the rules looks pretty good. And they must believe that you will follow through with the consequences for not following the rule or doing what is asked of them.
Another example: The teenager in the family wants to argue with you about chores they were asked to do that day. That’s fine…arguing with their mother or father will get them nowhere as long as you give them choices, and follow through with the consequences for their choices. I always start out with “You have two choices. 1. Do what I ask without complaining and rolling your eyes or arguing. Or Choice 2, I take away all your electronic devices the rest of the week, and you can do the chores the rest of the month all by yourself.” Then just for fun I would add, “I know what I would choose.” Then follow through.
I’ve given my kids some pretty miserable consequences, they’ve scrubbed toilets with tooth brushes for potty mouths, scrubbed the kitchen floor on their hands and knees for lying, weeded the garden for fighting. Whatever it is that they are doing, or not doing, the consequences must be absolutely miserable enough that they remember not to do it again!
I was watching TV while folding clothes today. They were interviewing a juror that was on a jury that convicted 3 young teenage boys for the death of their friend who was shot while they attempted to rob an older gentleman. The 4 boys were bored and decided to attempt to rob somebody for “fun”. The gentleman heard a noise in his house and armed himself, shooting and killing one boy and wounding another. However, the three boys were sent to jail for the death of their friend, and what I found astonishing was, everybody wanted to blame the consequences of these boy’s actions on the gentleman whose house THEY had decided to rob. If these boy’s had been taught the value of consequences at an early age, maybe one of them wouldn’t have been shot dead in the middle of a burglary. Now they are paying a very hard and terrible consequence.
I tell my girls all the time when they think they can hit each other because they are mad, when you grow up and get mad at somebody, and punch them, you go to JAIL. There are consequences for every action, no matter your age, your sex, or race. We all will be held accountable for our actions. You are not doing your children any favors by not teaching them that fact at a young age.
Like I said I’m flattered, that somebody thought my children were well behaved. To answer the question, yes, I guess I am strict, and NO I don’t beat them.
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Thanks, Janelle!
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